I see life through Black and White.

I had no idea what happened.

I'm loosing control of my body. Loosing control of my thoughts and Loosing control of my actions. Lack of Sleep, Lack of Time, Lack of care. Its all adding up one after another.

Expo shall be a release for me. Time with Brian will be nice.

It was fun braiding stuff into Adams hair earlier. Though I felt weird being near him haha. Just one of those days. Felt faint, sat down, then woke up on my side hah. No idea how that happened, then nearly threw up. I didnt feel like me at that point. It was weird.

Now I'm just tired and feeling sick. 

I'm addicted to Painkillers. I'm addicted to Tablets. Addicted to one-hit wonders. Its these pills that'll kill me some day. These pills that'll cure me.

Its all so disgusting. I hate anything slightly sexual. I hate kissing, I hate hugging, I hate holding hands, I hate saying 'I love you'. Its all so fucking over-rated these days.

I want to forget who I am. Forget those around me.

I'm Paige Fionola Holmes Deacon.
15 Years old.
I like Japanese Culture and Video Games
I like to Read and Draw.
I like piercings and bright hair colours
I prefer the dark.
I enjoy sleeping.



From these foundations, I'll re-create myself. Everyone else is just holding me up. Perhaps this illness is a calling card. To sortmyself out or drop dead. 

For now I must go to bed and write.

And the Telephone never rings.

So i ended things with Dee. It felt like it was the only 'natural' thing to do. Of course I feel pretty fucked over right now.

I don't know where I went wrong. I'm not going to rush into relationships from now on. I'll wait for them to bump into me. Better still, avoid me at all costs.

School tomorrow, Joy. This stomach bug is pretty much going away now ^_^ Saturday with Adam in norwich, shall be okaaaay etc.

Need to dye my fringe later hahah XD Urghsmuffff. And some futures evening tonight olol. Shall be funny to go to ^_^ OH OH OH And some english coursework as I'm evilly behind haha. I'll do that now.

Till later doodlebugs <3

I'm listening to the sound of my own fear - I'm listening to the sound of someone's tears - I'm list

You learn fast when everything breaks down
You learn fast when that's all that you can do
You learn fast or nothing

Today was slow. Today was repetative. Today was like every other fucking day. Every song sounds the same. Every smile looks the same.

People are boring.

People never change.

I spent most of today in my bed with a pounding headache watching what was happening outside. It was nice watching the clouds, the birds flying past. Somtimes I wish I could be a bird, To be free without any complications. In the sky, you can be free.

I've always wanted Wings tattooed on my back. As soon as I'm 16, I'll get them done. They represent many things to me. Birth, Flight, Freedom, Thoughts and Spirituality.

Freedom. Such a wonderful word. However it causes so much shit in this 'life'.

I also spent a great deal of today thinking. What I want to do when I leave school, friendships, jobs etc. I need to buck up at school to get what I want when I'm older.  Things aren't all that peachy with me at the moment.

I fear my friendships and Relationship that i've created with my bare hands will fall apart in front of me. No amount of sellotape and temporary repairs will fix what is already broken. Its the story of my life. I fear that i'm slowly becoming a failure in general. I try my best to put a smile on peoples faces, when in reality, i'm slowly eroding my lips with the false grin i'm constantly putting on display. I just wish I could be honest with someone for a change.

People rely on me to solve their problems. Okay, i'm used to listening to people. I enjoy giving advice and being a source for others. But to load me with all your problems when i'm already submerged makes me uneasy to help. People need to learn to help themselves somtimes.

I've been many people these few years. Its time to change.

Goodbye truth.

Hello denial.

--------------------

Sometimes I feel
I live like a prisoner
But I don't know
If this really is pressure
Surprise you win
I'm lost as screamers roll in
Sometimes I feel
Like leaving this room I'm in

Faded film people dropping words
About the real things to say
? (Not "Someone pulls me deeper", as in CD booklet)
And tells me who I will be if I stay
A clever machine writes pretty words
For pretty boys
To sing to us all
We're all so grateful

My face you cry
And I show my darker side
The night is yours
And I just switch off and hide
Cafe and sin
The wine's not to my liking
My face you cry
Oh my didn't I say come in?

Frown (?) in my eyes showing nothing
But surprise about you
And what are you thinking
About my life and her drinking to you too
A dying non-human writes unkind words
For unkind friends
And as for the tears, they'll never show
Asylum people calling on my door
From day to day
The image must fall
I've had my time

All so (COMPLEX) - No understanding.

Oh dear

I guess I am worried about whats happening with Dee and I. All of a sudden he's acting down, and I feel i'm to blame.

But it won't stop me smiling. Or doing what I usually do. I'm really not used to 'relationships' nor 'Commitment'. Its all bullshit anyway. In all honesty, I'm happiest when I'm alone.

Camden yesterday was fun. My mom can get pretty annoying, but she's nice company ^^ Got clothes and things, bumped into a few people I know and grabbed Sushi at the Japan Centre (Tasted like shit ¬_¬)

Somtime during October I have to go to Norwich. Its so clean and atmospheric there, a change to London and Braintree. Perhaps with Adam, perhaps on my own. I'll see at the time.

The winter weather is so nice <3 hahah I bought this really thick coat just for it ^___^ So it shall keep me warrrm <3

Anyway.... time to get ready and see my dad (OLOLJOY)

Ja ne x

Chris is all dressed up and acting Coy - Painted like a brand new christmas toy.

I like blogs. Especially new ones which don't have mass amounts of friends added to them.

I got bored of VF Journal, Livejournal, Deadjournal, Blogspot and the other shite i'm usually wasting my time on. Here goes yet another 5 min trend for me to fondle with.

Past few days I think I hit one of my lowest points in a while. All because of new medication. I hate the way it fucks me up temporarily only to put me on a high.  Its all people seem to be capable of, feeding me more pills. Pills to help me sleep, Pills to keep me awake, Pills to make me smile, Pills to stop me getting pregnant and Pills to ease constant pain. All i could do was cry and think. I realised how fucked up I am to this very day. I pretty much hate myself without even realising it. I write to Kai knowing that someone 4500 miles away from me is feeling the exact same. Its a small piece of knowledge that keeps me going, I'm not the only one. I find it rare and treasurable to find someone who shares an understanding with me. Everyone else just expects and believes what they see on the outside. 'She dresses gawth, so obviously we have everything in common' 'She likes j-rock, i do too, we have to be friends' 'She knows so and so'. Fuck them all.

However my friends helped cheer me up. Always nice to have such nice people around me ^_^

To each their own - Thats what they say.

I have so much to do at the moment. Dee on saturday, Cosplay, Coursework, Hair things and tidying up to do.

Oyasuminasai!